Topic: Prince Harry busted for smoking pot and drinking In “Harry Pothead” news…
Harry was given a serious talking to from his father, who said that this is not the sort of activity that was accepted in the infighting, cheating, lying royal family.
After Harry admitted to getting drunk repeatedly, his father chastised him for siding with the Irish.
The royals weren’t that upset that Harry was smoking pot, but very disappointed that he chose to make a bong out of the Queen Mum.
The royal family began to get suspicious that Harry was using pot after he got the munchies so badly that he ate British food.
I just want to say a little side note to all of our pot-smoking friends watching at home. Seriously, dude, what if our whole universe is, like, just one tiny atom in somebody else’s universe? There, that should keep them busy for a while.
The royals got suspicious when Prince Harry changed his name to The Artist Formarly Known As Prince Harry.
Royals began to wonder about Harry when he was found repeatedly throwing up in the bathroom… and he hadn’t even had any British food.
Embarassment grew for the royal family when Harry would stumble back from a pub late in the evening, call up Tony Blair, and tell the Prime Minister how much he loved him, man.
Upon hearing about Harry’s exploits, the Bush twins immediately started fighting over who got to take him to the prom.
In Britain, doctors can prescribe marijuana for serious medical conditions, such as “being British”.
Topic: Bush chokes on a pretzel! Funny!
When reached for comment, Monica Lewinski was quoted as saying “Choking on something in the White House? I know exactly how you feel.”
Political analysts haven’t seen anybody choke like this since the Gore campaign.
In a surprise move, Bush called in the national guard and began bombing the Rold Gold factory.
Bush choked while watching the Playoff game, which is ironic because the Dolphins choked as well.
Bush passed out momentarily, and when he came to, staff member Avi Fleischer had to explain to him that it wasn’t good to snort pretzels up your nose.
In a related story, from now on Dick Cheney is being fed only strained beets and carrots.
After getting the pretzel lodged in his throat, the President later was heard to say “I turned all blue, just like the guys in texas used to when we gave ‘em the juice!”
This Just In… we have confirmation now that Tom Daschle has tested positive for Pretzel. More on this story as it develops.
After he came to, Bush had a dazed, confused look in his eyes… so doctors said he was right back to normal.
From now on, in addition all of the policy making, political planning and thinking, Bush’s staff is going to do all of the pretzel-eating for him as well.
Trying to save himself from embarrassment, this morning Bush added "pretzels" to the FBI's most wanted list of terrorists.
When reporters asked him how he got the large bruise on his face, Bush stammered something about choking on a pretzel while a steely-faced Laura Bush glowered angrily at him.
Experts now say that the pretzel was not acting alone, and may have assistance from a Dorito.
People’s Choice Awards
At the most important Awards Show so far this week, the People’s Choice Awards, was held over the weekend right here on CBS.
The People’s Choice Awards get their name because common people get to vote on the winner… unlike the presidential election, which is decided by the Supreme Court.
The show should not be confused with with the Peeble’s Choice awards, which once again this year, went to Mario Van Peebles.
Before you get too excited, remember, these “people” are the same mindless masses who buy Food Dehyrators and rent “Dorf on Golf.” Next year, how about a “Smart People’s Choice Awards”, huh? I’ll get my tux ready.
For the sixth year in a row, in the category of best show on CBS after midnight, your Late Late Show was beaten out by the Ab-Roller infomercial. I just pray next year they take that thing off the air and give the rest of us a fair shot.
Other Misc. Hillarity
In Finland an cell phone company executive recently got a speeding ticket for over $100,000. Fines there are given out according to your income, which is why after Scott Baio was stopped there recently, he had to pay a record fifteen cents.
A zoo in Nebraska is puzzled because one of their female sharks, who have never been in contact with a male shark, recently had a baby. Apparently the baby is healthy, blonde, and an excellent talk show host.
A man wanted by police in Sweden was captured at his own wedding over this past weekend. Yes, the man was on the eve of living his life with the same woman day after day… which is why he turned himself in.
There’s a new web site in Britan that helps convicts who knew one another in prison reunite. The only problem? Elton John keeps using it as his own personal dating service.
posted by opus moreschi at 9:51 PM
Michael Jackson Comeback Special Comes Back.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I apologize for my abscence. A combination of winter vacation and laziness on my part is to blame. I shall perservere, though, because without comedy for you all to look at, there would be no basis for you to write nasty emails calling me dirty names. And lord knows, I wouldn't want that to stop.
Just trying to entertain,
opus
Topic: Michael Jackson's Special to Rerun on CBS
Oh, don’t call it a come back, he’s been here for months!
Strangely enough, since the special first aired in November, Michael’s changed faces over 12 times.
Stay tuned next month, when CBS will air a special “One Month Anniversary of the Rerun of the 30 Year Anniversary Michael Jackson Special”.
The highlight of the special is when Michael is reunited with his brothers, the Jackson five: Tito Jackson, Jessie Jackson, Joshua Jackson, Hugh Jackman, and Jack Nicholson. What a strange family they have.
The highlight of this broadcast will be a never-before-shown performance of Britney Spears with Michael Jackson. Apparently, Justin Timberlake is now really worried that Britney will move on to a new gay boyfriend.
Britney Spears and Michael Jackson have known each other for a long time, since they both use the same plastic surgeon. In fact, let’s take a look at this undoctored photo. (Photo of Britney Spears, topless, with a Michael Jackson face on each breast).
Topic: For the new movie MVP2, somebody taught a Monkey how to Skateboard
And, after the special, Michael Jackson was seen skating… oh, wait, no, I’m sorry. That’s a monkey. My bad.
Continuing with the theory that monkeys doing human things is funny, the primate went on to file 1040 tax returns for a few hours. Hillarious!
This chimp is the star of the upcoming movie “MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate”, and after they, he expects to be in a sequel before retiring to the dog food factory to be a kibble and/or bit.
Critics say the movie is unrealistic, since what’s portrayed in the film as a goofy-foot ollie 180 nosegrind is in fact a 360 50-50 revert, and of course the fact that all the stunts in the film are abviously done by a midget in a fur coat.
This just in… Darwin called, he saw the footage of the monkey and now he says he’s “Taking it all back”.
Sure, the chimp is cute and all, but some of the fun is taken away by the fact that every time he completes a trick he spend five minutes happily pelting the crowd with his own poo.
America, this is a dangerous precedent. Training monkeys to do our jobs make look cute, but in five years when all of us with opposable thumbs are on the unemployment line while Bozo here steals our job, don’t come crying to me.
The ASPCA was on the scene, to make sure no harm came of the animal, but eventually shut down the event due to the great insult it provided to everybody’s intelligence.
Topic: Mexican Farmers strip down to their underwear in order to protest
Whoa… people stripping at the nation’s capital? Looks like Mexico’s finally catching up with our political system.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m a classy talk show host, which is why despite the fact that every one of my writers have written a joke with the words “farmer’s hoe” as a punchline, I refuse to do it. We’re all better than that, aren’t we?
Frankly, I think these guys are full of it. You know, I’ve south of the border, to Tijuana, dozens of times, although I’ve seen plenty of people taking their clothes off, I’ve never seen a single farm.
Other Random Jokes
Canada has awarded $1,600 to a non-smoking inmate who sued after he was forced to share a cell with a smoker. You know, I’m thinking of suing as well… I spent a night in jail once, and before I went in, I swear, I was completely straight.
Canada has awarded $1,600 to a non-smoking inmate who sued after he was forced to share a cell with a smoker. You’re know, if you’re in prison, and the most you have to worry about is some guy blowin’ smoke up your ass, consider yourself lucky.
On this day, in 1935, Elvis Presley was born in Mississippi. And Elvis also passed away on this day, as well… in 1976, 1982, 1991, and 1994.
Yesterday was Dustin Diamon’s birthday, TV’s Screech, and for a celebration he called all of his friends and invited them over for a huge party last night. And tonight, he’s still waiting for anybody to show up.
There’s some controversy over the new Miss France, some of her competitors want her crown taken away because she’s too short. Yeah, and apparently, she also can’t represent France because she takes regular showers.
In Italy, porn star Ilona Staller has said she is considering running for a seat in parliament. Wow, a porn star in office… it’s like the Clinton years all over again.
posted by opus moreschi at 11:01 AM
