Laffy News
GM is changing the name of its Buick Lacrosse since it found out that the name in Canada is slang for masturbation. It's the most embarassing name since the Kia Incestia.
A group of 13 old school boys were caught taking Viagra on a dare at school. The school decided against the usual punishment of spanking when the boys started begging for it.
A student at Ball State shaved her head to convince people she had cancer to try to get money from them. Her latest venture: to get "being a complete prick" officially recognized as a disability.
A 93 year old barber set a record for 81 years of haricutting. Asked for a quote on his historic accomplishment, he simply chuckled to himself and said softly, "Oh, God, I've wasted my entire life."
The latest craze to hit Germany is "Porno Kareoke." I told my ex-girlfriends all about this trend to fake orgasms in front of strangers and they all said the same thing... "What's an orgasm?"
A swedish man was arrested trying to smuggle snakes into Australia in his pants. The man gave himself away when a Boa decided to get romantic with his other trouser snake.
posted by opus at
11:21 AM
Elliott Smith is dead. The pock-faced cranky-souled songwriter apparently stabbed himself in Silverlake.
Okay, first of all, who stabbed themselves? What is this, a greek tragedy? I wonder if he found out that he killed his father and slept with his mother or something.
Secondly, my friend Dana asks the most important question of the day: Where was Courtney Love when this all went down?
If only Ellott Smith had given us some sort of sign, some sort of clue, that he wasn't feeling up to snuff. Perhaps he listened to "Figure 8" and it finally pushed him over the edge. Be on the lookout for his posthumous duet with Tupac Shakur, in stores any day now.
And, finally, it must be pointed out, as with every single indie artist: I liked his suicide before it was cool. And his suicide was much better before he was signed to a major label.
--opus
posted by opus at
4:49 PM
Friendster Addiction.
It's a nasty little drug. They suck you in seeming so innocent. Just a few pictures, a few friends. A little way to kill a few minutes at work. It was like yearbooks of old - leaving pithy messages on other people's pages. It was glowing and happy.
Then it got weird. You started searching for people you used to know. That old girlfriend. The guy you sat next to in biology. And those people searched for you. Do I really need to talk to the person I worked with in during college? And do they really need to be my "friendster"?
By now you're going for hits a couple of times a day. To see if anybody's written you. Any new testimonials. Some glitch doesn't let you see your mail right away and you spend hours "refreshing" your browswer, hoping you can get your fix. And you're browsing through hundreds of profiles - maybe your next best friend is in here. Your future spouse. Your next employer.
They'll end up finding you a year later, scraggly beard reaching to your belly, tenaciously clutching your mouse, muttering to yourself something about "activity partners." Your real friends have been lost for ages - they're on the list, who needs them anymore? You don't even resemble your profile picture anymore. And you just keep friendstering... keep hoping for one... more.. hit...
posted by opus at
5:27 PM
I belong to a website called eMusic.com, which had a great deal going. Ten bucks a month, unlimited mp3 downloads. Their catalog was limited, but it was mostly indie fare - Matador, Spin Art, Kindercore. Plus good old stuff like Willie Nelson, Django Reinhart, The Carter Family, Louis Armstrong. A worthy way to spend my hard earned cash.
That is, up until about a week ago. They announced that the unlimited download deal is over, that they're going to limit people to 40 downloads a month. Which for ten bucks sounds like a good deal, but part of the joy was just downloading random music to see if you'd enjoy it. You don't have that freedom under the new plan.
So... in the past week I've been fervently downloading any music I think I may have some chance of being interested in any time in the future. I'm gonna get my ten bucks worth this month, and then cancel. Any suggestions of obscure indie bands or old classics I need to check out?
posted by opus at
11:20 PM
Animation -
If anybody knows anything about easy, cheap ways to make animation (I'm thinking probably Flash, but there are surely other options) please let me know. I've got a few ideas I think would make for amusing little animated dealies.
-- opus
posted by opus at
9:15 AM
Sometimes I chide myself for not going out more often, to parties and get togethers. Then I go to a party or a get together and find myself with a bunch of people I have nothing in common with and I'm bored out of my skull. Such as tonight, when the highlight of the evening came when I finally got a chance to sit in the barber's chair that my friend had on his porch.
I perhaps am feeling a bit moribund because I found out I am probably going to be passed over for a writing gig that I was hoping for. Not because I liked the show - it's a cruddy show. But I could have used the money and I would like to keep some sort of momentum in my career. I'll just count myself lucky not to be a crewmember on a sinking ship, I suppose.
Themes of being ostracized today, eh? Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is The Lord's Day, and He promised me a sammich.
opus
posted by opus at
12:29 AM
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