Friday, February 13, 2004

Brilliant Solutions to the Gay Marriage Issue

1. Pair 'em up. Conservatives only want marriage to be between a man and a woman. So let's pair 'em up! Have gay couple, say Steve and Burt, join up with a lesbian couple, Judy and Martha. Steve gets Judy, Burt gets Martha, everybody's married, and nobody's happy. And if there's one thing that gay couples can learn about marriage from straight couples - everybody ends up unhappy. Except in marriage, they call that "compromise".

2. Ssmarriage. There are those who want to give gay couples every right of marriage, except the name. They want to call them "civil unions" which isn't very romantic, and doesn't look good engraved on a wedding invitation. So let's call it Same Sex Marriage, or "Ssmarriage" for short. The sanctity of marriage remains intact, since the word seems to be all they really care about. Married couples and ssmarried couples can intermingle happily, unless one of them has a speech impediment, then things get dicey.

3. Bunk 'up Some conservatives are arguing that allowing gay couples to marry will ruin the institution for straights. As a straight man, I've never been particularly threatened by gay people, probably because I'm not a raving queen cowering deep in the closet like so many conservatives. But if gay marriage will break up straight marriages, let's allow a solution. Gay married couples have to offer sanctuary for any straight person going through a divorce. I'm sure the gay couples have beautiful, well appointed guest rooms and a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, and these straight guys aren't exactly going to know how to take care of themselves. If gay people are going to break up straight marriages, by god, let them pick up the pieces.

4. Time Machine There have been many good reasons throughout history to build a time machine. To go back and save all of my Star Wars toys in their original packaging, for example, so I could hawk 'em to nerds and get out of debt. Or to go back in time and stop the movie "Butterfly Effect" from ever being made. But this might be the greatest opportunity yet. We can send lawmakers 50 years into the future, when people have finally wised up and legalized gay marraige, and look back on the early 2000s as a barbaric time where basic human rights were deined to citizens. Boy, will our politicians be kicking themselves when they see how history is treating them. If they ever want to be adored by the galactic space college of 2054, they'll wise up now.

However you all celebrate valentines day, be happy and be safe.

--opus



posted by opus  at 10:11 AM

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