Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Bush's Brain Is AWOL

WASHINGTON DC - Stunning new allegations surfaced today that president George W. Bush's brain has been AWOL for the past three years.

Press secretary Scott McClellan immediately denied the charges, insisting, "President Bush's brain has been happy to serve his country." However, journalists investigating the matter can find no hard evidence that Bush has actually used his brain in the past three years.

The White House released documents today that they say show Bush has indeed used his brain. But to most, two half-finished "Jumbles" from July of last year is faint evidence, and there's no proof that it was Bush that actually used the crayon on those documents.

What makes the allegations worse is that many Americans have had to put extra effort on their brains in recent years. Between the mindbogglingly inept war policy, to the mindboggling inept economic policy, to the minbogglingly inept budget - Americans are having their minds boggled by this president, with no proof that he has a mind of his own.

"He doesn't need a brain," barked Vice President Dick Cheney to reporters, leaving an undisclosed location to travel to another undisclosed location. "I've got brain enough for the both of us!"

Cheney and Bush have both been rocked in recent weeks with records showing that they took a record amount of campaign donations from The Scarecrow, who has knowingly bragged about his own lack of a brain.

Democratic candidates are increasingly emphasizing their own brain experience on their campaign trail. Frontrunner Kerry has been showing off his massive forehead in many campaign stops, and his droning, fact-filled style of public speaking seems to be a deliberate display of his own cranial capacity.

Americans are growing increasingly frustrated with the administration's heavy-handed foreign policies. And even those Americans with brains and degrees are having trouble finding jobs in this stagnant economy. New rumors are circulating that if Bush does indeed have a brain, perhaps he lacks a heart - for he doesn't seem to care bout the plight of the average American.

Poll numbers suggest that if America's job market doesn't pick up, Bush may soon have to worry about finding a job himself. When asked about the irony of that situation, Bush only replied "What's irony?"

posted by opus  at 3:07 PM


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