Brilliant Solutions to the Gay Marriage Issue

1. Pair 'em up. Conservatives only want marriage to be between a man and a woman. So let's pair 'em up! Have gay couple, say Steve and Burt, join up with a lesbian couple, Judy and Martha. Steve gets Judy, Burt gets Martha, everybody's married, and nobody's happy. And if there's one thing that gay couples can learn about marriage from straight couples - everybody ends up unhappy. Except in marriage, they call that "compromise".

2. Ssmarriage. There are those who want to give gay couples every right of marriage, except the name. They want to call them "civil unions" which isn't very romantic, and doesn't look good engraved on a wedding invitation. So let's call it Same Sex Marriage, or "Ssmarriage" for short. The sanctity of marriage remains intact, since the word seems to be all they really care about. Married couples and ssmarried couples can intermingle happily, unless one of them has a speech impediment, then things get dicey.

3. Bunk 'up Some conservatives are arguing that allowing gay couples to marry will ruin the institution for straights. As a straight man, I've never been particularly threatened by gay people, probably because I'm not a raving queen cowering deep in the closet like so many conservatives. But if gay marriage will break up straight marriages, let's allow a solution. Gay married couples have to offer sanctuary for any straight person going through a divorce. I'm sure the gay couples have beautiful, well appointed guest rooms and a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, and these straight guys aren't exactly going to know how to take care of themselves. If gay people are going to break up straight marriages, by god, let them pick up the pieces.

4. Time Machine There have been many good reasons throughout history to build a time machine. To go back and save all of my Star Wars toys in their original packaging, for example, so I could hawk 'em to nerds and get out of debt. Or to go back in time and stop the movie "Butterfly Effect" from ever being made. But this might be the greatest opportunity yet. We can send lawmakers 50 years into the future, when people have finally wised up and legalized gay marraige, and look back on the early 2000s as a barbaric time where basic human rights were deined to citizens. Boy, will our politicians be kicking themselves when they see how history is treating them. If they ever want to be adored by the galactic space college of 2054, they'll wise up now.

However you all celebrate valentines day, be happy and be safe.

--opus

posted by opus  at 10:11 AM

Bush's Brain Is AWOL

WASHINGTON DC - Stunning new allegations surfaced today that president George W. Bush's brain has been AWOL for the past three years.

Press secretary Scott McClellan immediately denied the charges, insisting, "President Bush's brain has been happy to serve his country." However, journalists investigating the matter can find no hard evidence that Bush has actually used his brain in the past three years.

The White House released documents today that they say show Bush has indeed used his brain. But to most, two half-finished "Jumbles" from July of last year is faint evidence, and there's no proof that it was Bush that actually used the crayon on those documents.

What makes the allegations worse is that many Americans have had to put extra effort on their brains in recent years. Between the mindbogglingly inept war policy, to the mindboggling inept economic policy, to the minbogglingly inept budget - Americans are having their minds boggled by this president, with no proof that he has a mind of his own.

"He doesn't need a brain," barked Vice President Dick Cheney to reporters, leaving an undisclosed location to travel to another undisclosed location. "I've got brain enough for the both of us!"

Cheney and Bush have both been rocked in recent weeks with records showing that they took a record amount of campaign donations from The Scarecrow, who has knowingly bragged about his own lack of a brain.

Democratic candidates are increasingly emphasizing their own brain experience on their campaign trail. Frontrunner Kerry has been showing off his massive forehead in many campaign stops, and his droning, fact-filled style of public speaking seems to be a deliberate display of his own cranial capacity.

Americans are growing increasingly frustrated with the administration's heavy-handed foreign policies. And even those Americans with brains and degrees are having trouble finding jobs in this stagnant economy. New rumors are circulating that if Bush does indeed have a brain, perhaps he lacks a heart - for he doesn't seem to care bout the plight of the average American.

Poll numbers suggest that if America's job market doesn't pick up, Bush may soon have to worry about finding a job himself. When asked about the irony of that situation, Bush only replied "What's irony?"

posted by opus  at 3:07 PM