Seal of Dissaproval

At my current job as a comedy writer for SpikeTV, my boss has two stamps.



Sometimes I wish I had a stamp that said "Hurtful"

--opus

posted by opus  at 10:41 PM

Tim Allen Is Sorta A Jerk

My roommates, Liz and Josh, are getting married. This won't happen for over a year, so for right now I'm only a minor annoyance to their love, as opposed to the massive domestic problem I'll be when I won't stop crashing at their new homestead. But the two lovebirds decided to throw an engagement party this weekend

They got plenty of alchohol and snacks, and even got treats for the partygoers: candy necklaces for the girls, and gum-filled Hulk wristwatches for the boys. Good people came, fun was had, it was a hoot all in all. Except... one thing.

Somehow, Liz knows a young lady who happens to be dating "actor" and "comedian" Tim Allen. So suddenly the star of the stunningly unfunny "Home Improvement" was sitting on my couch. I'm not one to judge somebody solely on their comedic output; after all, I appeared on Kilborn. But the guy didn't seem too interested in mingling or being social.

Finally, he grabbed one of those gum-filled Hulk watches and tried to strap it on. But of course, the gum-filled Hulk wristwatch market is geared towards 8 year olds, and didn't fit on any adult's wrist. The following exchange followed:

Tim Allen: This won't fit on my wrist! Maybe I'll just strap it on my penis!
Me: Hey... maybe it'll fit on your penis.

Laughter followed. Tim Allen, I thought... not such a bad guy after all. He laughed at my meager little joke. Good people. Then, literally a minute later, I hear Tim Allen talking to some other dude.

Some Other Guy: This watch won't fit on my wrist, I may as well strap it on my penis!
Tim Allen: Hey... maybe it'll fit on your penis.

Hey! Wait a minute, Tim Allen! That's my joke! It wasn't much of a joke, but come on! You can't just steal it, and say it right in front of me! That's breaking all sorts of laws of comedy ethics!

I watched him, in shock, expecting him to acknowledge me. To say, "Oh, that's his joke" or even if just by throwing a wink my way. Nothing. Tim Allen ripped off my joke, right in front of me. I was standing less than 10 feet away... there's no way I couldn't have heard. Does that man have no pride?

Then I remembered "Joe Somebody" and I remembered... no. He has no pride.

Lesson Learned; Tim Allen is sort of a jerk.

--opus

posted by opus  at 10:57 PM

Sometimes A Bit Of Unmitigated Weirdness Gets Through

In the world of television writing, I'm finding, you find victories where you can. It's a creative job, but also one of pure volume - you can't expect to write a solitary perfect gem and rest on your laurels. You've got to crank out a lot of material - the decision lies with the producers, and you're at their whims. And the sponsor's. And the network's. And a myriad of other decision makers. You may be literally defining the show, but there are plenty of people defining what you can and can't define.

I'm sure many writers will agree - you sometimes put in material that you know will never make it on air, just to amuse yourself. Or to amuse the people who read it after you. Just to look back on it and chuckle and wonder, "Wow... what if that made it onto television? How weird would that be?"

For a game segment of the show I'm writing for now, I was asked to write some quick and funny descriptions of women contestants. They were, like so much television, entirely fake - so I didn't have to base them at all in reality. I turned in a few pages of quick material and let it be.

So I was surprised and delighted yesterday at the taping when a host introduced a young lady contestant and said:

Meet Jill. Her favorite food is bubble gum.
Her favorite group is N.E.R.D.
And... she once touched a dead guy.

I now get to imagine people at home saying "Wait, hold up... touched a dead guy? What does that even mean?"

Trust me, that mental image will amuse me all weekend. Probably longer.

--opus

posted by opus  at 8:28 PM

Just a reminder that the world's best known unknown sketch comedy troupe, "The B-Team", is performing tomorrow night at the Improv Olympic in Hollywood. The LA Weekly and Backstage West gave us rave reviews; my parents left quickly so as not to have to talk to me afterwards. You be the judge!

If you hate not laughing, then don't not come by.

(Scroll down for information - it's the postcard with the fat guy by the pool.)

--opus

posted by opus  at 11:08 PM

Fashion Forward

So the other day I was wearing one of my favorite outfits; a bright yellow tie that has a bowling ball on it, as well as matching bright red & blue bowling shoes. I feel like I'm the smoothest dude in Hollywood as I make my way to the taping of the TV Show I'm writing for.

When I get there, I run into some dancers we've employed. One girl looks me up and down and says, voice dripping with disdain, "Are you dressed up for some kind of bit, or is that on purpose?"

Oh phooey. I liked the outfit.

--opus

posted by opus  at 2:04 PM

Smart Guy

Working on Hollywood Boulevard can be nice, but one of the downsides is the gauntlet of impersonators and hawkers you have to walk past just to make your way to lunch. There are many people trying to give out tickets for tapings around town to eager tourists.

Today, as we passed by, a guy called out, "Hey, you guys want tickets to the Tonight Show with Jay Leno?"

Walking on, I politely said, "No, thanks."

There was a moment, and I heard the guy mutter under his breath, "Yeah. I don't blame you."

--opus

posted by opus  at 5:28 PM

Back By Popular Demand



Come see my comedy show if you enjoy laughter. It has been praised by people who don't even feel obligated to give me praise!

--opus

posted by opus  at 11:20 PM