Leaving a bar last night with my friends Jeff (pictured) and Ben (not pictured), we were approached by what had to be the world's friendliest pimp. A jovial, quick-to-laugh man, he introduced himself as Prince. He went to explain to us that we just spent thirty or forty dollars at a bar and were going home without the company of a woman. Why not spend thirty or forty dollars just on the company of a woman?
Only, he didn't say "The company of a woman" but a slang term for a part of the woman's anatomy. For a moment, I wondered if he was selling body parts, but I soon caught on to the lingo.
I begged off, telling him politely that I was a romantic and liked the old fashioned way. He said "So, you can be a romantic! Light a candle, put on some music, I don't give a fuck! You can do whatever you want with her!"
And then he said what has to be the single greatest thing I've ever heard anybody say in my entire life.
Said Prince the Pimp: "You can fuck her while holding a duck for all I care!"
So many questions. Why a duck? Is this a popular fetish? Does the duck come standard, or is it extra? Do I have to pay for breadcrumbs and condoms? And most importantly: Is it a woman duck? Because otherwise, it might be weird.
Needless to say, I went home without a woman or a duck that night. But at least I have a new appreciation for the variety of life that's out there.
--opus
posted by opus at
6:49 PM
Okay, fine. I was gone for a while. I didn't update my blog. I left thousands of people biting their nails, wetting their pants, holding their breath until they're positively smurfish.
But here's the thing: I have a very good excuse. There's a reason I've been gone for over a month. A perfectly reasonable explanation. And here it is: I'm a jerk.
That's my new excuse for everything. I'm sorry I was late, but you see, I'm a jerk. So it's not my fault. Sorry for running over your prized chihuahua several times, but I'm a jerk. I shouldn't have knocked over that liquor store, robeed that old lady of her only wig, and set fire to that amputee's wooden leg, but (say it with me now) I'm a jerk.
I'm a jerk. Ain't nothing you can do to stop it.
--opus
posted by opus at
10:50 AM
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