* Desk Lamp
* Scotch Tape
* Deodorant
* Toothpaste
* Toothbrush
* Calendar
* Mixed Nuts (two varieties)
* Green Tea Bags
* A Bookmark
posted by opus at
10:33 AM
Have a very merry non-denominational holiday celebration and a very pleasant New Year, from Opus Moreschi and my delightful gin and tonic.
--opus
posted by opus at
8:52 AM
This past Saturday I partook in "Santacon" - a bar crawl consisting of 200 people dressed as Santa causing trouble and having fun all throughout Hollywood.
We stopped at the L. Ron Hubbard Winter Wonderland, a Hollywood lot that lures children in with the promise of meeting Santa, and then moves in to try to recruit them to the Scientology way.
While there, I managed to come across a copy of the script of the "play" they put on for unsuspecting and unbrainwashed children. Here it is, in its entirety:
SANTA SCRIPT 2001 [sic]
dialogue between Lynsey & Santa
LYNSEY
Welcome home, Santa!
SANTA
Thank you, Lynsey! Yes, Winter Wonderland is just like home to me whenever I visit Hollywood. You people have been just great to me!
LYNSEY
Thank you, Santa! You know we truly appreciate your generosity. You bring so much joy to the people of the world - especially the children.
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho! The children! I love the children. When I see their smiles and hear their laughter, it keeps Christmas in my heart every day!
LYNSEY
And you've got a great, big Holiday Heart, Santa. Say, what have you got in your sack this year?
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho! Something very special. Agift [sic] for everyone.
LYNSEY
Wow! Are you going to let us see your gift, Santa?
SANTA
Oh, yes. But first... how have things been going in the year since I've been away?
LYNSEY
Well, Santa... some very terrible and some very good things have happened.
SANTA
Oh?
LYNSEY
Yes, there's been some awful destruction and mahy people needlessly lost their lives.
SANTA (hang head sorrowfully)
Such things happen among mankind make Santa's heart heavy with sorrow. [sic]
LYNSEY
But there's a bright side, Santa: people have realized that we should work together to make such things never happen again.
SANTA
That's the spirit! So you've put an end to war?
LYNSEY
Well... not exactly...
SANTA (bristling)
I was afraid that might happen. When will your leader learn that they will never solve war with more war?
LYNSEY
I don't know, Santa. But I bet they would do it if they knew there was a better way.
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho! There is a better way! No child needs to grow up to be an enemy of mankind.
With wisdom, with caring and understanding, every child on earth can know true happiness.
(band starts up opening chords to "What I Want Is Happiness")
LYNSEY
Oh, Santa! That would be so cool!
SANTA
Indeed! And here's my gift to all of you this holiday season: A WAY TO HAPPINESS!
(vocals begin, TWTH distribution begins) [sic]
LYNSEY & SANTA
Happy Holidays!
Yes, happy holidays, to the people who use politics, terrorism, and fear to bring you into their cult! May the force of Xenu be with you!
--opus
posted by opus at
11:04 PM
I went recently to the site www.myheritage.com - which a friend told me was intereting because you could upload a picture of your face, it would scan it, and then give you a list of celebrities you most resembled. I did so with this picture, and got back the following list:
Peter Sellers
Wim Wenders
Steven Soderbergh
Nana Mouskouri
Eddie Murphy
Mira Sorvino
Pierre Bourdieu
Matthew Perry
Elvis Costello
Primo Levi
The Peter Sellers one would delight an ex-girlfriend of mine who, after seeing a movie about his distant, moody, shape-shifting ways drew that comparison herself. But I noticed something.
With the exception of two, all of those people were wearing glasses in their photos. So I figured, okay, what if I took off my glasses?
Here is the list I got without glasses:
Aretha Franklin
Kate Winslet
Deborah Kerr
Gladys Knight
Christian Slater
Lindsay Lohan
Anette Benning
Elisha Cuthbert
Charlize Theron
Josephine Baker
Aretha Franklin? Really? Apparently, with glasses I'm a british comedian, without I'm a black soul singer. Who knew?
--opus
posted by opus at
1:23 PM
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