Three Untrue Stories Not Actually Overheard At A Local Barbershop

Number One:

So I was eating dinner with Richard Nixon the other day, and I look across the table at him, and I says to him, "Hey, Richard, what was it like to have to leave the office in disgrace?" and he just looks back at me and say, "Eat you green beans, I made them special."

So I eat some green beans, and I think for a minute, and I say, "So whatever became of those missing Watergate tapes, anyways? I mean, really." And he gives me this weary look and says, "Have you cleaned out the garage yet? I asked you weeks ago."

I don't so much want to talk about the garage so I go back to the green beans. They are pretty good, they've got a lemony sauce on them. But still, I've got questions, you know? So I says to Richard Nixon, "Richard, do you feel like you've forever tarnished the presidency?" And he says to me, "The Gundersons have asked us over for dinner on Saturday, so don't make any plans."

I think about this for a while. The Gundersons are nice enough people, although Barry has a gland problem that makes him sweat a lot. Then I wonder how Richard Nixon knows the Gundersons. Or about the garage, or how to make my wife's green beans. Then I realize what's going on.

So I say to him, "You're not Richard Nixon at all! You're my wife!" And my wife says "I never said I was Richard Nixon."

And that, my friends, is why they call him Tricky Dick.

Number Two:

So I'm in the bowling ally the other days, you know, because they got the new shoes down there? Blue and red, now, instead of blue and gray. I like the new ones better, I think.

Anyways, they've got one of those claw-games, with the cranes, where you try to grab a prize? And I look through there, and there's a Heathcliff doll, and a Snoopy doll, and a little bear with a Nicks baseball cap on. But then I look closer and I realize there's a newborn baby in there. Just a little newborn baby, looking up at me.

So I'm thinkin', oh, crap, I gotta get this baby, you know? So I put in a quarter, but the thing is, these claws, they've got no grip. They can hardly grasp anything, that's how they get you. They put babies in there, then they make a claw that can't get babies out! It's all a scam.

So I pump forty bucks worth of quarters in there, and I finally get the baby out, and I'm wrapping it in my jacket, and it starts bawling and bawling. And it's reaching out towards the claw machine, and I think, oh, crap… he wants his dolly.

And that, my friends, is how they get you. It's all a scam.

Number Three:

You know, I've never eaten a grapefruit in my entire life.