The Epic Battle Of What To Cuddle With

I wanted to dump her
but on that night
she told me she had a heart problem.
 
Upper right, or
lower left ventricle,
I don't remember.
But I thought,
This is a sign...
 
She told me that every guy she ever dated
got really obsessed with her
and didn't want to let her go
 
I thought,
Um, well, maybe she could use a change
 
But the thing is
she spoke down to my teddy bear
Yes, I have a teddy bear.
I've had him since i was a child.
I'm not ashamed.
I love him.
 
But, look,
he's not STUPID.
You don't have to treat him like a moron.
It's not, "Oh, is the widdle teddy beawr sad?"
and, "Does the widdle teddy beawr want to sit over here?"
 
That's just embarassing.
I'm embarrased for him.
My teddy bear isn't an idiot!
He's not retarded!
Give the poor bear some respect, please!
 
So I knew I had to tell her
it was over.
We talked it over,
civilly,
the teddy bear and I,
and we decided it was the best thing.
 
So I began by saying
"I really don't know if I want to committ to a relationship
at this point…"
And she grabbed my butt
and kissed me deeply
and I promptly forgot what I was talking about.
 
My teddy bear isn't speaking to me anymore.