Thank you, Modern Science.

Yes, that's right. I'm glad you're here, children of... uh... Mrs. Danston's 3rd Grade Class. We're going to have a great time today, and learn a lot. Just remember, there is nothing to be frightened of. I promise, I'm not going to hurt you. (BEAT) Boo!

 

 

(Misc. shrieks, shouts of fear)

(Chuckles to self) Heh-heh... just kidding, my little friends. It's just a joke I like to play on the kiddies. I may have freed the slaves, but that doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor! Okay, let's move along into my childhood home. Here we have the heavy wooden door whiche leads into my home. You know, for many years I lived here, and then for many more years, I rotted under the ground. Then, Modern Science found a way to bring me back to public service.

Thank you, Modern Science.

Heh-heh... yes, rather than the cool rest of death, I am back to give tours to schoolchildren. I know what you're thinking - if I am really the reanimated bones of Abraham Lincoln, where is my beard? Well, as I'm sure... Mrs... uh... Dantston... has told you, beards require skin to grow on. Since I am merely bones, I cannot truely grow a beard any long. Neither can I make love. But the meories remain, children. The memories remain.

(Rustling, restlessness)

Well, enough of that. Let's talk about my childhood home. Here, can see the hearth where I would sit and read by the fire. Back then, young Abe was about your age, and not the decrepid collection of bones you see today. Yes, I had dreams and a quest for knowledge. And what has it brought me? A 12-hour a day job as a tour guide. You know, before they brought me here, they had little headsets that you could rent, but they figured out I'd be cheaper since they could save money on batteries. They don't even have to pay me. I don't have to eat, after all. Would any of you like to touch the place where my stomach used to be?

 

 

(General sense of fear and uneasiness)

Well, that's understandable. After all, I'm just a strange skeleton, aren't I? I know, that's what people say when I go down to the local tavern. Sure, you'd think that a former president would get a little more respect. But they've got a two-drink minimum and I don't even have a throat, so I am not welcome at that establishment. They even took a polaroid of me and put it by the cash register right next to the list of people who passed bad checks. Is this the tribute I get, children? Is it?

(confused, scared)
Thank you, Modern Science?

 

 

Yes, thank you very much, Modern Science! (Pause) Okay, I'm sorry, let's continue with our tour. As you can see, the entire house is made out of logs. Do any of you know where logs come from?

(Silence, punctuated by muffled weeping)

Children! Please, don't be frightened of me! I'm the man on your pennies. I am your friend. I know I look fearful, but there is nothing to be afraid of. I am a human like you are. Or, rather, I was. Hey, let me bend down for a moment, you can see the hole in my skull where an assasin's bullet went into my brain. Have any of you had an assasin's bullet in your brain?

(Louder weeping now, assorted cries for Mommies)

Well, no, I suppose not. Please, children, stop crying. I do not want to hurt you. Look! I have a bucket of pennies here and everybody gets one for free! Would you like a free penny? It has my picture on it. Anybody?

The Reanimated Bones of Abraham Lincoln gives a penny to a small child, who drops it, screeching.

Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry, these pennies were by the fire and they appear to be scalding hot. I cannot feel pain anymore, as the recepticles for pain were in my skin, long ago lost to the elements. But thanks to modern science my bones and soul live on to talk to you today. Right children? RIGHT?

 

(crying, afraid)
Thank you... modern science...

 

 

Yes! That's right! Thanks, Modern Science, for bringing back my tortured soul to this horrid place, the cabin I toiled for years to get away from! Now it is my eternal destiny to stand in agony as the years drift by in a sea of children's frightened faces! Now run, run children, run away from the monster who was your 18th president! Run away from the fragile remains of the man who gave the Gettysburg Address! Run, before I whip red-hot pennies at your heads! Run! Run away in fear!

 

 

(Screams, running sounds)

Don't forget to visit the gift shop!