Things To Do When She Doesn't Show Up

 

1

Call

leave a message,

trying to hide the anxious, nervous tone in your voice.

 

2

Peek out the window

because she might be coming up the walk

with a embarrassed look

and a damn good excuse.

 

3

Stare at a magazine

as if reading

as if to fool yourself

into thinking there's something else you're thinking about.

 

4

Watch a tv show

but only one that she would like

in case she walks in.

 

5

Try not to imagine kissing her.

 

6

Lie

to the people you're with

who ask you where she is

and pretend it doesn't matter

and laugh

about it.

ha ha

 

7

Look out the window

again.

You never know

 

8

Eat

a bag of pretzels,

all of it,

until you're pathetically scooping salt

from the bottom

in an attempt to try to get more.

 

9

Start to call again

but hang up the phone

becuase you'd like to think

you have some pride.

 

10

Stare at your hands

wonder why they're cold.

 

11

Write a stupid poem

in a list form

to try and get out

the feeling of fresh skin

lightly cut

 

12

Begin to call a friend

but hang up the phone

and curse yourself

becuase

what if she was trying to call right then?

 

13

Stare at your floor

becuase the room needs cleaning

because

admit it

it looks like you have the whole night now

it looks like you have some time to clean

to get something productive done

 

14

Continue to stare at your floor

 

15

think about the things you'll say

when she finally calls

to make her feel bad

about leaving you all alone

to make her realize

how poorly you feel

to make her feel

like crap

like you

 

And then realize

that you'd never say it to her

becuase you'd don't want to hurt her

because her smile is small and golden

because she blinks when her hair falls across her face

because her tiny body pulls tight against yours when you kiss.

 

16

Give up

take off the clothes you picked out specially

climb into bed

pretend to sleep

 

17

When you least expect it, sleep.

 

Do not dream.